How To Avoid Disasters At Holiday Family Events

With the holidays almost upon us, many people begin to get very anxious or sad in anticipation of expanded family contact. It might be an alcoholic parent who is volatile and explodes, or says or does something inappropriately too familiar and out of bounds. Or perhaps there's some crisis regarding a family member, like an affair recently discovered, and some guests know about it, but pretend all is well. Maybe it's a sibling or a spouse who oversteps boundaries with bossy behavior, or disclosures of secrets. Or maybe a beloved family member has died, there is an empty place at the table, and nobody can acknowledge it. Whatever the scene, there is often a mixed feeling of pleasure to see family, with dread about the "elephant in the living room." This ambivalence is amplified by the unrealistic depictions of perfectly blissful familial scenes created by greeting card companies, television commercials, and retail marketing. We're surrounded by "Santa"s ringing bells, heartwarming food drives, and "holiday cheer" everywhere. We are supposed to be loving, joyous, connected and grateful, not anxious, enraged or sad. What a bind!

There are a few therapeutic tools I generally share with my psychotherapy and coaching clients, which you may find quite useful in these situations. The first is to be realistic about the pleasant, and not so pleasant aspects of your family get-togethers. I call this "owning your ambivalence and legitimizing it", rather than denying, or beating yourself up about your feelings. It is normal to enjoy and love some things about your relatives, and to also dislike some aspects of their behavior. (They probably feel the same way about you!) It is also normal to simultaneously feel happy and blessed with a sense of belonging, while feeling grief about loss if a relative has passed away.

Now, try to anticipate how the wacky, unsavory or sad realities are likely to play out. For example, is your Uncle Jake a sweetheart until he gets that fourth Jack Daniels down at dinner? If so, imagine how you can enjoy the best of him while he's halfway sober, and what you can do to focus off his behavior when he's not so pleasant. Where, and with whom else can you put your attention? (This scenario presumes the family is not planning to do a major intervention on Uncle Jake during the holiday.) This internal mental work is an important form of strategizing -- figuring out how you can "beat it to the pass." It requires you to reflect upon your internal and external resources to overcome roadblocks to a pleasant holiday experience, and to be strategic about what tools will serve you when. For years at holiday family dinners, I used to get outraged by the visual of all the men, young and old, sitting and being served like kings by all the women who were slaving away in the kitchen all day. A few times I tried to confront the men as a group about being male chauvinists, and my response was: a) amused laughter, and b) no backup from the tired women. This obviously didn't serve me well as a strategy to manage my sense of the unfairness. I ultimately put my attention on the bonding experience with the women, and engaged some of the men, individually, to help.

If you are in a close relationship, and will be at holiday events with your partner or spouse, it will be important to have a "pre-game huddle". Spend a bit of time anticipating your "best" and "worst" scenarios, and let each other know what you need for support or backup. Remember, there's a great deal of power in good teamwork! You might decide together to leave a bit early to avoid the inevitable post-dinner meltdown. Or you might divide up, and each spend focused time with a relative needing attention. The point is, how individually and together, you can maximize your experience of the strengths and goodness in your family, and minimize the impact of their limitations. Then, all you have to worry about is how stuffed you are after all that food!

Happy Holidays!

Susan Lager, LICSW, is a board certified psychotherapist, and a certified coach at The Couples Center in Portsmouth, N.H., where she specializes in providing comprehensive services to married and unmarried partners at all stages of the coupling process. In May 2010 she launched Couplespeak?, for online coaching, consultation, training programs, and materials, all designed to assist individuals and couples to strengthen and build their relationships.

You can access lots of tools and information on her website:
http://www.HowToBeABetterCouple.com
You can also find her insights and stories about relationship issues on her blog at:
http://SusanLagerBeACloserCouple.blogspot.com
Also, stay tuned for her upcoming Blogtalk Radio show, The Couplespeak Relationship Forum.

Webmasters: This article may be freely distributed or reprinted on any website, newsletter, or e-zine as long as the author's name, bio, and links remain intact.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.